Thursday, October 15, 2009

Don't Give Up.

I had this weird insecure and very close to self-loathing moment while grabbing a quick bite to eat with Matao tonight.  I don't always have the best answer to "what have you been up to?", although it generally depends on who is asking.  "Oh you know... making jam, getting excited about the huge quilt I'm planning in my head, singing to my plants, and spending a lot of time reading other peoples blogs."  Just the usual.  It can be hard telling people about my life when I've been at the same job for two years, I'm not actively running a small business, and I'm not in school.  The thing is- I am pretty damn content and satisfied with my life right now- but it's not always incredibly thrilling to talk about.  I get excited about the smallest, funniest things most days.  I am also usually so worn out by the end of my work day that coming home and baking cookies while watching re-runs of This American Life on Netflix is exciting.  And I really shouldn't feel like I have to justify that to anyone.  Not even myself.  I have never been the kind of person to be defined by my job or whether or not I'm going to school.  For me- my job is my means of survival.  I can pay my bills, I have health insurance, I have room to grow, and at the end of the day I don't feel like shit about what I'm doing.  I like what I do and I like the simplicity that comes from being able to walk out the door at 5pm and be done for the day.  And I will go back to school, and I will make plans to travel, and I will have a small business going again- but right now isn't the time for me to do all of that.  There are trade-offs for all big things in life, and at this moment I am working my way towards having my life be just the way that I want it.  Every single day is a project, and every single day I gain something.  Even on the days where the most exciting thing I do is laundry.

It's what's working for me.

♥ R.


zombiehearts said...

I think one of the hardest things is just being able to be happy just living. Just being content with the simple things in life. I am happy for you and where you are at in your life! I miss you!

Amy Marie said...

from my point of view, it is way harder to be content with your life, no matter what you're doing, than it is to keep yourself busy trying to make yourself happy. i'm willing to bet that many people who have a huge list of answers as to what they've been up to, which may sound more impressive on the surface, are really just trying to find what you already have. being busy or accomplished, whatever that means, isn't an accomplishment if you aren't happy doing it. whereas being happy with your life and recognizing what you need...THAT is an accomplishment, my love.

i'm proud of you, as always. <3

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